So, I just replied privately to a message someone sent me here, and now I don’t see it, so I’m not sure it got to them. (I really should know how to use Tumblr better.) I’m posting my response here, in the hope it gets to the person…
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I sympathize with all the feelings you describe. So many, millions of people have been in exactly that mix. In fact, when we look at decades of data about weight-loss attempts of all varieties, we find that nearly everyone who loses weight will regain it and a third or more will gain back more than they lost. So I wouldn’t say that you are “backsliding.” I’d say that your body’s weight-regulating system is working perfectly to protect you and ensure your survival.
Millions of people also share the feeling of not wanting to live life as a fat person. I have to wonder if people would feel so intensely negative about their bodies and their weight if we lived in a fat-celebrating society. I think people would feel very different about themselves. I don’t see anything wrong with thin people, but what if we lived in a world where thin people couldn’t get dates, or cool clothes, or good jobs, and where their doctors told them every time they saw them how bad being thin was for their health and how it would eventually kill them? What if these “care”givers refused to offer any options that didn’t involve dangerous and ineffective weight-gain treatments for thin people? Meanwhile, fat people who saw doctors would be respected and offered useful help for what would be seen as legitimate illnesses. They’d get compassion and help, never blame or shame. Because it would be okay to be fat.
Being able to look in a mirror and welcome what you see is possible at any weight. Being in a photo and feeling okay or even good about it is possible at any weight. Existing at your current weight — not 20 pounds less — can be wonderful. Feeling healthy and proud again is possible at any weight. Being happy with yourself is possible at any weight.
Because of the intense risk of physical and psychological harm that weight-loss attempts involve, I don’t wish them on any human being. Weight-loss attempts also inevitably reinforce all of the negativity that you’re feeling about your body, rather than decreasing those kinds of harsh and unnecessary judgments.
I don’t know what you hope to get from me, but I want you to know that I want *ALL* of the good things in life for you right now! At your current weight! I don’t want another second of weight negativity for you. You don’t deserve it. No one does. What you’re experiencing is the intensely personal impact of a political system of fucked-up injustice and bigotry. You are not alone in feeling attacked by weight hierarchism. Sooooooo many people are feeling the very same way. Some of us are rejecting the negativity. I’ve been a fat activist for nearly 20 years. It’s not easy or fast, undoing internalized weight hate. But it is 100% better than heading in the other direction and continuing to embrace internalized weight hate.
There are tons of cool and liberating things available that people are creating. There are also fabulously insightful therapists who offer a real power-up on this path. I would only recommend people who use a Health At Every Size® approach. You can find them at the Association for Size Diversity and Health or at fatfriendlydocs dot com. I also like Judith Matz and Ellen Frankel’s book, “The Diet Survivor’s Handbook.” They’re very smart about this stuff.
Please let me know what you think might be useful or supportive to you! I don’t want you to suffer alone!!! I don’t want you to feel like not going on! It’s not you. It’s the weight oppression. Let’s fight it together…